


Knocking the Heaven’s Door

by winkiespuppy



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bipolar Disorder, Brotherhood, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 15:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13461285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winkiespuppy/pseuds/winkiespuppy
Summary: Daniel found out that Jihoon still sending him messages each month for years eventhough he knew, that Daniel wouldnt even read nor reply any of them anymore.Daniel left his precious one in vein. His precious Jihoon.





	Knocking the Heaven’s Door

 

Daniel met Jihoon when he was 9y/o while the younger was 6 y/o in an orphanage after he got seperate from his father & brother.

Daniel who was still feel sad with the current situation stayed quit, choose to be alone and didnt want to play with the other kids.

Jihoon in the other hand was a friendly and cheerful kid with that bright smile which always stay on that cute face. He was so lovable that everyone in the orphanage know and love him. Jihoon, that little boy whos three years younger than Daniel has been always caught his attention. That boy somehow has a galaxy on both of his beautiful eyes, his smile is just different and Daniel wish he can be smiling as bright as him. The little boy he wants to protect unconditionally.

It was in another day where Daniel, again, watching the other boys playing football from afar while listening to the music from his favorite tape recorder. The one his father gave him.

But strangely Daniel didnt see Jihoon. Daniel try to find him among the kids but couldnt find that boy. 

Fell bored, Daniel went to the church not far from there to take a nap. Daniel was ready to close his eyes after laying on a bench but then he hear someone’s whisper who was praying earnestly in the front. Daniel sat then walk in quit to see who it was.

its no other than a little boy wearing a rainbow shirt sitting on the front bench. Park Jihoon. Thats him.

”Please let my friends to be happy, Aunty Lee to stay healthy, Jisung hyung, our little Daehwi, Woojin, Jinyoungi, and others. Amen” the boy ended his praying.

He turned his eyes towards Daniel, making the later a bit startlet bcs Jihoon just caught him starring.

”Do you love doing it so much?” the younger asked.

”eh?”

”Starring from afar.”

”Um, well”

”If youre shy of making new friend, i can be your first friend here” the little boy said.

Jihoon walked closer toward Daniel. “My name is ParkJihoon. Youre Daniel right. Its nice to meet you Hyung” the boy smiled giving his hand.

Daniel did the same.

”So are you going to pray? For whom? Is it for your mom? Grandma? Aunt Lee? Uncl-“ Jihoon asked but being cut by Daniel.

”Father. My father and my brother” Daniel said.

”Oh, i see” Daniel saw a sudden change on Jihoon’s face but he change it again in split as if there was nothing happen.

”i never see you pray beside of sleep in here. Let me teach you, hyung” said Jihoon again thay made Daniel smiled, he finally make a friend with someone.

 

 

 

**Knocking the Heaven’s Door**

3 years passed

Thanks to Jihoon who kept on persude him, Daniel now back to his old. He has a lot of friends and people adore him so much. He even already recognized his talent on dancing together with Woojin and Jihoon.

As days passed Daniel and Jihoon become even more closer. If Jihoons there, Daniel would be there too. Thats very common in the orphanage. Daniel loves his dongsaeng so much. He would be always listening to Jihoon’s nonstop dailystories that will clear all his tiredness. Jihoon there also is getting used with Daniel present who always sent him the calm feeling of being loved and protect.

As days passed also, Daniel slowly found out that theres something not right that happen to Jihoon. That boy somehow having two different personality which is very opposite. The first one is that Jihoon he know. But the other one, he sometimes thinks that it wasnt Jihoon, its so moody, cold, doesnt care about others, and easly be angry of little things. That was happen as early condition till that event happened.

 

It was another afternoon. Daniel as usual just back from school and went to met Jihoon in the backyard playing with Thomas, the dog which was given by Aunty Lee for Jihoon’s birthday two year ago.

But what he found was a miserable event. Daniel saw the 9y/o Jihoon is about to kill the dog by pulling a robe that being circle on Thomas’s neck.

The poor dog was hardly breathing when Daniel saw only darkness on Jihoon pure eyes.

Daniel ran fast towards him and pulling Jihoon away from the Dog.

”WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING JIHOON?!” Daniel shouted making the younger shaking.

Daniel check the Dog, thanks to the God it still alive but it looks so weak. Daniel turned to see Jihoon. His eyes back to normal but right now are full of fear and regret. 

Daniel walked closer but the younger walked backwards, shook his head for Daniel to not come closer.

”Jihoonie”

”No, dont come any closer” the younger with his teary eyes.

 

”Ji?”

 

“I SAID DONT COME CLOSER” Jihoon shouted then ran away.

 

”Oh God! What happened?!” Daniel saw Jisung just come in time.

”Hyung, please take care of Thomas! I’ll be back!” Daniel shouted before running to get Jihoon.

 

Daniel come to reach Jihoon. “Hey Park Jihoon!”

Daniel hold both Jihoon arms and making sure the younger look at straight to his eyes. Jihoon did so. He was crying.

”I almost kill him, i would be killed Thomas if you werent there, hyung. Im a monster. What? What should i do? Im afraid, im-“ Jihoon said in panic.

”Shh, stop Jihoon. Stop. Everything is alright now. You were just angry. Im here with you” Daniel said reasurring him to be calm.

Jihoon pulled himself on Daniel embrace. He hugged him tightly. “Please dont leave me. Im, im afraid”

”I will not, Ji. I wont” Daniel said hugging him back.

 

 

 

.

 

Daniel choosed to cover it up. He knows theres something wrong with Jihoon but he doesnt know what to do. He was only 12. He just dare to tell it to Aunt Lee but that time also werent a good timing. He accidentally listened to the conversation between Aunt Lee with that one uncle who come here regulary that the orphan financial currently is not in a good condition.

So Daniel choose to not telling it to her yet but also put an extra attetion for Jihoon. He also told Woojin to never let Jihoon to be in his angry state because they also close and went to the same class eventho Woojin didnt really get it why.

Jihoon still the same. Since the accident, theres were not really any significant mood change on him. He might be turn normal just in time.

 

 

**Knocking the Heaven’s Door**

 

Another three year passed.

A couple who dont have a child came to the orphan to adopt. They wants to adopt  two sons, and it was Daniel and Jihoon. The man is a neurosurgeon while his wife is just a housewife. They both korean who lived in Boston, USA. So they planned to brought the childrens to lived there with them.

Daniel was so happy that he will have a new family along with Jihoon becoming his real little brother. 

But unfortunately, Jihoon declined the offer. He sugest Daehwi instead whos two year younger than him to be adopt with Daniel with a bunch of reason that he had been prepared.

Daniel was angry when Jihoon stated that. He pulled Jihoon somewhere to talk as soon as they went out the room.

”What are you thinking Jihoon? Why did you change your answer all of sudden? You dream about having a good family, they looks fine not like your previous fam. You said you’ll always be with me? Whats wrong, Ji?”

Jihoon took away Daniel hands from his arms.

”Daehwi need it more than me hyung,”

”Im not going if youre not” Daniel stated.

”No hyung. You need them. You said you want it so bad. I cant let you regret it. We still can contact at each other. And i would be still here waiting for you so we can meet again”

”Park Jihoon!” Daniel mad.

 

”Im scared” Jihoon whispered.

”Im scared that i will hurt anyone and ruin everything. I dont think i can get used living there with my current state. You can do better there hyung, im-“ he continued.

“No Jihoon, youre okay. I see it on my own eyes. Youre not different from others. Youre just okay. We can also ask them for help for you”

”You said you love me right? Just lets keep in touch.”Jihoon cutted him.

”Ji”

”I’ll miss you so much hyung”

Daniel took a deep breath then pull him into his embrace.

”I must be the one who say it” Daniel replied.

 

 

 

.

A year...

another year...

the other year...

Both of then still keep in touch by sending email in regular each month till Daniel got a car accident.

Unfortunately, because of the accident, Daniel experience a retrogade amnesia which making him forget some memories backthen and left Jihoon’s messages in hanging.

Good thing, he recovered quickly. No longer than one year he also recover his memory back. Eventhough he got his memory back, Daniel choose to forget it all. He wants to begin a new life here, leaving all the good and sad memories of him in Korea where he was born. And the little boy, Park Jihoon who already live happy with his own life there. Yeah, that was what he thought.

 

 

 

**Knocking the Heaven’s Door**

 

8 years later.

 

Tonight is the last night in 2017. Tonight is also a precious night for Daniel because his girlfriend just accept his proposed yesterday. They’ll hold the married ceremony next year.

Daniel whos now also working as a neurosurgeon in a hospital in Boston just like his father feel so completed while gathering with the whole family with his fiance, a beautiful girl with bright smile over his face. She’s a japanese with a sparkling eyes that always remind him of someone who was precious on his life.

 

The room were full of joy and warmth till Daehwi suddently call Daniel’s name in angry.

 

”Im going to hate you the rest of my life!”

Everyperson in the room was shook and asking Daehwi what happen to him. Daehwi ignore all the stare, he walked towards Daniel then pulled Daniel with him.

Daniel told other that its okay and telling them not to follow him so they did.

 

Daehwi brought him to his old bedroom then lock the door.

”Okay, whats wrong with you?” Daniel asked trying to calm himself.

 

”You asked me?! Look at there, and look what you’ve done!” Daehwi pointed at to Daniel’s old computer which has been just being fixed.

 

”What? You fixed it already?”

 

”Jihoon hyung still sent you message regulary each month eventho you dont reply or even read it” Daehwi said softly.

 

Daniel freezed. That name.  **Park Jihoon.**

 

Its been so long since the last time he heard and called that name. Did he still even remember that beautiful face. Or did he already forgot it all?

“I choose to forget it all Daehwi, why are you bringing it up” Daniel took a deep breath.

 

”He sent you. Even till 2013. While you fully forgoten about him” Daehwi stated again.

Daniel hold his breath. How can? 

Daniel close his eyes before walk toward the old computer. 

“Jihoon” he mumbled softly. Smiling bitterfully after found out that Jihoon still sendinh him email for years eventhough he didnt reply or even read any of them.

 

 

\- Pjh -

 

He opened the first unread message.

 

_**December 2008** _

_Hello Hyung! Hows your day? You didnt reply my message from last month:( I hope you’re okay._

_A good news! The orphan hot a new donature so we’ll be moving to a new house next year! Cant wait for your story hyung!_

-ParkJihoon-

 

 

Daniel took a deep breath. It must be after he got the accident. He then continued to open another message.

 

 

_**January 2009** _

_Guess what! We finally moving! Its so nice to be here. Its not as big as the previous one but it feels more comfortable and the location is so close to everywhere! I got the same room with Woojin again but also a new Chinese kid, Guanlin. Hes so tall eventhough im two years older than him. I should do some work out, doesnt it?_

_Are you busy? Its okay, reply when youre not anymore! Waiting for it!_

_-ParkJihoon-_

 

 

_**March 2009** _

_Hey hyung, sorry for not sending any message last month. But you have to know! Im officially a high school student now! Tomorrow is the first day, i hope it will be a good day._

_Hyung, i miss you. Send a reply okay!:)_

_-ParkJihoon-_

 

 

Daniel read all the messages one by one. The more he read the more he feel ache on his heart. He just realize that he miss the boy so much. All his message were all about his dailylife. Such as when he feel sad that Thomas is dying, that Woojin left first because he went abroad with his adopt family, and others just like as if the messages are Jihoon’s diary.

And there Daniel feel at east when the next message telling that Jihoon finally accept the offer to get a new family. 

 

 

_**January 2010** _

_Hey Hyung, i want to share my happyness since i finally got a family! Both of them are so nice. We run a garden and a flower store that quite famous in the town. Mr. Han is really nice, hes so much far away better than my father. And his wife, Mrs. Han, she looks so much alike to Aunt Lee. Haha._

_You are right hyung, i shouldnt be trapped on my past and started a new life. I miss you hyung, when will you reply my messages. Im still waiting for you!_

_-ParkJihoon-_

 

 

 

From the message above, Daniel can conclude that Jihoon finally receive the love from a family and live happily. But he didnt know that it wasnt last long.

 

 

 

_**April 2011** _

_Hey hyung, dont mean to make you worried. But im scared. Since the store get fired, our financial is not in a good condition. It seems affect Mr. Han so much. He becomes a moody person and get angry easily. It feels like he will just end up hitting me and Mrs. Han just like what my dad did before._

_-ParkJihoon-_

 

 

_**August 2011** _

_Hyung, help me. Its back. The monster in me, its back. I almost broke all the things in my room and leave it in a mess. Hyung im scared, what should i do?_

_Please reply my message, i need you._

_-ParkJihoon-_

 

 

 

Daniel close his eyes trying to control his breath. He hopes Jihoon was okay. Yes, of course he needs to be okay. “Im sorry Jihoon, im sorry” he mumbled softly before opening the next message.

 

 

 

_**February 2012** _

_Maybe because of your praying. Our business run quite smooth now. Our family is in a good condition now. But hyung, it doesnt gone. It will appears out of nowhere then i’ll dont have any memory of what i just did. Im afraid hyung. Im scared of myself._

_-ParkJihoon-_

 

 

_**November 2012** _

_Happy birthday Hyung! I wish you all the best and i wish we can meet each other again, someday._

_I miss you._

_-ParkJihoon-_

 

 

 

Daniel closed his eyes, quivering because how stupid that Jihoon still remember and celebrate the birthday of an asshole like him.

 

 

****

**_January 2013_ **

_Hyung help me! I, i dont know who am i anymore. I, i just killed a dog this morning. And im, i dont remember how did i do that._

_Hyung please help me, what should i do now? Are you there? You still remember me right?_

_Or did you forgeting me already..._

_-ParkJihoon-_

 

 

 

Daniel couldnt hold it anymore. His hands is shaking. He’s blaming himself but dont know what to do. The message is in 2013 and now is 2017. He couldnt do anything. He is just useless. 

His chest felt so tight and his eyes feel so hot.

”I cant” Daniel mumbled.

”I cant continued to read these”

”i hurt him and hurting my ownself rightnow” he stated shaking.

 

Daehwi walks closer then look down at him. “But he might need you hyung. Lets finish all of this, so you can now what happen to him. For Jihoon hyung” Daehwi said reassuringly.

Daniel close his eyes and took a deep breath before look back at the screen. With the weight on his chest, he click another message.

 

 

 

_**May 2013** _

_Eventhough i know that youll never reply or maybe even read my messages ever again, im writing this on my birthday, if you still remember it. I hope have a happy life with your new family, friends, or maybe a girlfriend there?_

_Im here still the same Jihoon you met years ago. But maybe ive been turned out to be more darkside of Jihoon more. No, it even worse than it. Now, im being too sensitive and being to paranoid among many people. Im not living with them anymore. Mr. Han back on his monster state, he never hit me, but his wife, just like my father. Theyre the same,  all monster whos only think about themself. Thats why i finally move out. I tried to asked Mrs. Han, but she refused which is i dont understand why._

_Im working as an editor freelancer. Thanksfully its enough for me to have a small apartment for keep myself and help the orphan eventhough not as much as you might can give._

_You think im enjoying live. Its still good. Yes, im still trying to enjoy my poor life. Without you, and i dont want to trouble others with mu current condition._

_No one really understand me as much as you do hyung. I feel like im going crazy. I miss the old days, and i miss Daehwi too. I hope he is happy with you. Dont worry im going to be fine here. I hope._

_You now. Maybe its time for me to stop writing for you. Maybe its time for me to slowly forget you eventhough it will be hard. But i’ll try. Doesnt it the right thing to do Daniel? I love you hyung and i miss you so much. This will be my last message for you. Have a great day._

 

_**Sincerently love,** _

_**-Your “Ji”-** _

 

 

 

 

Daniel's heart sank. He felt like the most stupid and disappointing person in the world.

He managed to live happily with how Jihoon’s life is going on never cross his mind. He was just too selfish and make the brightfull boy hurt everyday waiting for his words.

Daniel shook his head cant accept the message. “No, no Jihoon. This cant be your last.” He going crazy searching for more message, but nothing. Theres nomore message.

”Come’on Ji, please” Daniel 

Daniel hit his head in frustation because he couldnt find any message.

 

Daehwi look at him worriedly. He’s been watching Daniel, and seeing the changing expression the older had after reading each message.

Daehwi walks toward the computer and try to help. He filter each inbox one by one so that there will no thing to be left.

 

His eyes then catch a message. Its use different subject from other Jihoon’s message ; -ParkJihoon-

 

but its says 

 

Your last -pjh-

 

“Got it” Daehwi muttered.

”Hyung, theres one more!” 

 

Daniel back to the seat and ready to read more. He took a deep breath before opening the message.

As he started to read the word one by one, Daniel start to hold his breath.

He done reading it and he feels empty but his heart sank and broke into pieces.

He would just kill himself right now, but theres nothing he can do. 

Daniel is shaking that he laugh as in bitter. He madly laugh as the tears falling down from his eyes.

Daniel wanted to stand up but ended up fell down on the floor. He couldnt hold it anymore but cry madly as loud as he can. 

His Jihoon, that Jihoon he loves all his life. He left his precious one in vein. He left his precious angel Jihoon in vein.

”Im the one whos monster Jihoonie, im the one Ji. Please dont forgive me” he said softly between his sob.

 

Daehwi cant help but also cry looking at his hyung. It must be not a good news on it. Daehwi look at Daniel worriedly. 

Daniel shedded his tears then stand up again.

”Hyung” Daehwi muttered worriedly.

 

Daniel turn his head to face Daehwi. His expression is so flat, no tears anymore, just empty in that eyes.

”Daehwi” he said.

”Delete the message. Delete all.” He laughed.

”Ah, no. Just burn it up. BURN ALL OF THESE!” He shouted emotionally.

When he get a bit more calm, Daniel walks in daze to the door.

When he opened the door, his fiance is already there looking at him worriedly by his current state. “Daniel,” the girl called him softly.

Daniel smiled bitterly. Then just walk away leaving all his regret and misery there.

 

Daehwi turned back to the computer. He bury all his curiosity about the last message Daniel read by deleting all the messages. Not just the message but he also delete the old account where Daniel received all the messages from Jihoon.

 

”Im sorry Jihoon hyung. I hope you’ll have a happy life” he said softly then click the “delete” button. And all the memories stop right there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_-Your Last, pjh-_

_**December 2014** _

 

_Hey Daniel,_

_Yes, i just broke my promise for not write anything more for you._

_Yesterday, i killed a person. My adoptive father. I saw Dad on his eyes when he hit his wife brutally. I have no choice but to kill him then I ran away. Sad right? Do you know what more even sadder than killing a human? I did it not because of the monster inside me, i did it in fully conscious. Im slowly become a real monster myself and ready to hurt anyone._

_Im not a humanbeing anymore, am i?They afraid of me, even Mrs. Han afraid of me. She screamed when i walk closer to her. Noone really need and love me. Even you dont want to remember me. Im useless and hopeles_ s, _isnt.  
_

 

_Hey Daniel,_

_This morning i went to the old orphanage. The backyard, the ice cream stall which doesnt look like one anymore, and the church where the first time i manage my self to be brave talking to you._

 

_I like you Daniel. I like you a lot since the very first time i caught you always starring at me & others from afar. I like you in a different way that i know that its wrong and not good for our friendship. I know that you only see me as a little brother you always want to protect. I know it Daniel. I know too well that im not a normal kid exactly when i almost kill Thomas, the dog i love most. But you said that i was okay, that im no different from other kid, that i still can be live happily just like others._

 

_I hate you for that Daniel. You gave me the hope that i still have a chance, that you’ll be always there beside me, that you’ll be back and meet me again, that you’ll be always that brother who look after me. But im being too stupid to be fool around by a kid’s words who still doesn’t understand hows the world going on._

 

_Im sorry for blamming you because of my poor life. You shouldnt be the one to be blame. But im tired of blamming myself._

 

_Im going Daniel. Im tired of hurting people that hurt me even more without any memory left out. I could describe how much i miss you anymore, and im tired of holding it all alone._

 

_Im going Daniel. Im going to leave all the wound in this cruel world. The wound that held me to reach the meaning of happyness. May God still dont love me enough eventhough ive been praying alldays. Im tired and i want to knock the heaven’s door so i can be live in peace with my mom._

 

_Im going Daniel. Im going and will never comeback. Thanks for coloring my life once. Thanks for always listen to my story. Thanks for always be there for me. I hope that you’ll have a great life and no need to read all of these messages about my miserable life that ended up tragically. Im sorry that i cant be a good dongsaeng enough. Im sorry that i cant keep my promise to live happy and meet you again. Im sorry, to fall in love with you when i shouldnt._

_**Thankyou and sorry,** _

 

_**I love you Daniel,** _

__

 

 

_**Sincerently love,** _

_**Park Jihoon** _

 

 

 

 

 

** Fin **

** \- Knocking the Heaven’s Door- **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Idk but feel urgent to post this at this late. Im not good enough, but hope u like it:)


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